Topic: Family

A Traditional Family Christmas

I fondly remember Christmas with the family when I was a kid. It was rich with tradition! All of us kids would gather in the hills of Kentucky for days of merriment and fun.

First of all on Christmas morning, traditionally, Daddy would get up first, way before dawn, and drink a big batch of his special egg nog. Then traditionally he’d come into the bedroom where all us kids was sleeping, banging on the garbage can lid with a hammer, a-whoopin’ and a-hollerin’ and a-wakin’ everbody up till Momma come in and whopped him upside his head with the skillet. 

Next, after Daddy come to, traditionally we’d gather around the Christmas tree to open presents. Each of us kids’d get a apple and new underwear. We’d all save up for the whole year to chip in and buy Momma a new hairbrush and Daddy a new can of deodorant. 

Then we’d all pile in the truck to go to Uncle Zebedee’s house for lunch, Momma and Daddy up front & all 11 of us kids in the back. It was colder than a bucket of penguin shit! At Uncle Zeb’s house we’d chow down on a big turkey dinner with all the trimmin’s. Then we’d all start drinkin’ until, traditionally, somebody’d call Uncle Zeb “Zebedee Doo-Dah" and a big fight would start. One year he broke my brother Cletuses leg. Cletus was rollin’ around on the ground shoutin’, “I can’t take the pain - knock me out! Knock me out!” So we all started beatin’ him on the head with two-by-fours until he passed out.

On the way home from the hospital we were all laughin’ as hard as we could about how pissed off them doctors was about Cletuses skull fractures. Then, traditionally, we’d stop off at the church to honor the Baby Jesus because after all, he’s the reason for the season!

Now we’re all growed up and have our own families to have Christmas traditions with. But I’ll never forget Christmas in the country.

BTW - my wife was relieved to find out that this is a work of fiction!