Topic: Addictions

“We’ve done some tests,” the doctor said. “To determine the cause of your mysterious illness. We’ve narrowed it down to two things: Wheat and cats.”

Wheat… and cats.

Well, the wheat was the easy part. If I had to, and I had to, I could live without pie, and croissants, and crusty, warm bread. But cats? That was a tough one.

Forget for a moment that I already had two of them waiting at home for me, a home that could no longer be theirs. The fact was that I had never been without a cat in my adult life. I didn’t know how to live without them. And here this doctor was, blithely telling me that I would have to go cold turkey if I wanted to save my life.

But was a life without cats a life worth living? There was only one way to find out. So I found homes for my babies and started my new, cat-free, life. I decided to keep a journal to chart my progress.

Day 1

I don’t know if I can do this. I feel like I’m already going through withdrawal. 

I miss Pumpkin and Rasputin so much it hurts. Pumpkin used to have this thing where she would sit half on my lap and knead the couch cushion next to me. Now, I suppose she’s doing that at her new house. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s just staring at the new couch, waiting for me to sit down so she can assume the position. Maybe she’s crying, wondering where I am and why I’m not there for our evening ritual. I’d cry for her if my tear ducts weren’t swollen shut.

I really should clean, or I won’t get better.

I wonder what Putie is doing. Probably hiding under the basement steps, with his little triangular nose hidden in his paws.

You and me both, buddy. You and me both.

Day 5

I haven’t been sleeping well. Don’t get me wrong, I can breathe through my nose again, but I miss their weight and heat. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to a little bundle of purring fur at the foot of my bed.

I tried using stuffed animals, but they aren’t the same. They just don’t have the same heft.

So I lie down at night and stare at the ceiling. With no purring to lull me to sleep, I just lie there until my eyes burn and the edges of the world blur. I eventually fall asleep only to start awake in the silence. There’s no Putie snoring to reassure me that all is right with the world. Pumpkin’s not draped over the headboard, her tail brushing my forehead.

I am so alone.

  

Day 9

Today was a bad day. I made the mistake of watching TV before bed and sleeping pill commercial came on – the one where sleep is a little gray cat. I think I cried for three hours, which just made things worse because Pumpkin wasn’t around to put her little paws on my cheek as if to say “It’s OK, mama.”

That wasn’t even the worst of it. I got a call from my Aunt, the one who took my babies. It turns out that Putie got out and hasn’t been found. We’re hoping he’ll find his way here but, so far, nothing.

Meanwhile, the lady who sits three cubicles down just got a new kitten and spent the whole day showing everyone the pictures.

I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom crying into the stuffed cat I keep on my desk.

Day 15

Oh god! I feel terrible. My eyes are completely swollen shut, and I have huge red welts up and down my arms, but it was so worth it. Putie found his way back to my aunt’s house. After six days he just showed up, skinny and frayed, with no word about where he’d been or what he’d been up to.

I couldn’t stand it. I went straight there after work and spent an hour or so just hugging and snuggling them. It was so wonderful feeling their soft, sinewy bodies in my arms and feeling their warm, slightly fishy, breath on my face.

It was so hard to leave, but then I started wheezing and my aunt kicked me out.

Day 16

I’m starting to regret seeing the cats. I had been doing so well for the past few days. I’d started sleeping better and missing them a little less. I could even look at pictures of cats without bursting into tears. But, after seeing Putie and Pumpkin, it’s like I’m starting all over again.

Plus, my lungs feel raw and ragged, like I’ve walked through a house fire, and I can’t breathe through my nose again. This is harder than I’d ever imagined.

Day 36

Ok, so for the past 20 days I have been totally cat-free. No visits to Putie and Pumpkin, I even got rid of the stuffed cat on my desk. My breathing is clear, I’m sleeping through the night, and my cough has finally cleared up.

I think I can do this.

Day 43

There is no god. That’s it. That’s all I have to say.

Day 44

Ok, here’s the deal. Yesterday I came home to find a kitten just hanging out on my porch like it owned the place. I walked up to my front door and there it was. I thought that, maybe, if I made a bunch of loud noises, it would run away. But NO! The damned thing walked right up to me and sat on my foot.

What the fuck, man? Why does this have to happen to me?

I managed to push it off and run inside before it could follow me, but then it just sat outside the door meowing all night.

Today I stopped by the store, on the way home, and got some dry food. If it’s still there, I’ll give it some food. But it’s NOT COMING IN.

Still, it’s so friendly, it has to belong to someone. Maybe someone will take pity on it and take it in. It really seems to like my porch.

Day 56

Ok, so, the kitten now has a little bed, some food dishes, and a couple of toys on the porch. But I’m still not letting it in. It seems to be doing ok outside, and it greets me every time I come home.

I think I can do this. As long as I don’t let it inside, and wash my hands after I touch it, I’ll be fine.

I can do this.

Day 72

Turns out the kitten is a girl, and she’s older than I thought. I was worried that she would go into heat, and thereby continue the cycle of unwed motherhood, so I took her to the spay and neuter place. Thing is, they told me that she would need a safe place to recover after surgery… so she’s now in my basement.

That’s not REALLY in the house. I mean, it’s more like UNDER the house. I’ll put her back outside once she heals.

Day 78

She doesn’t want to leave. I put her out on the porch and she ran back inside before I could close the door.

Day 82

Fuck it. It was me or the cats and the cats have won. Putie and Pumpkin are back, joined by Petunia. Benedryl isn’t that expensive, and I found a coupon for that 24 hr allergy stuff. I think that if I take several doses each day I should be fine.

Sure, I’ll be a little drowsy but that’s a small price to pay to have the whole family back together. The great thing is that Petunia loves to snuggle under the covers. I wake up each morning with her nestled in my arms like a little doll. It’s the cutest thing ever.

Well, I think it’s the cutest thing. I can’t really tell because my eyes are usually crusted shut. But she’s so adorable that it only stands to reason.

Another great thing is that they all seem to get along. Sure, there are have been a few incidents between Pumpkin and Petunia, and Putie wants nothing to do with the new addition but, for the most part, they all seem to live and let live.

So my face is a little swollen, and my throat is a little tight.

It’s all worth it.