Topic: Cheating

Author: Chris Dunn

Remember Trouble? I’m not talking about lower case “t” trouble, which is little more than a synonym for difficulty. I mean the real deal, capital “T”, voice weighty with its dread import, Trouble. As in, “Awww…. You’re going to get in Trouble….” When those words were said, and their reality sank in, you knew it was true. The world was over, or at least your place in it had run its course. You had transgressed, and you had been caught, and now Trouble would find you. It seemed all mirth vanished from the world as a black pit of emptiness consumed joy, feeding on its carcass to fatten itself and replicate.

This was the pit where I found myself, deep within the belly of Trouble. I should’ve studied. I should’ve cared about religion class. I should’ve just failed the quiz and taken my lumps, but Noooo! I had to go and try to cheat. It all seemed so innocent and easy. A quick look, the briefest of glances at Doug Bruns’ paper to catch a few keywords. Even back then, before I had earned my degree in the fine art of bullshit, the gift of gab was in me. I knew if I could get just get the vaguest idea about what to say, that the I could fill in the rest with boilerplate and buzzwords. It might not be 100% correct, but it would at least look like I had opened the book or skimmed the contents and bold type (neither of which had happened, btw). I had NO idea what this question was asking, and a blank was a zero! I couldn’t have that. Just a quick look.

“Mr. Dunn! That little look just bought you a day of jug!” Brother Mike declared loudly before the entire class. He sounded so smug and pleased with himself, like he’d just foiled a kidnapping or saved a child from a burning building. Jug was what the Friars at Roger Bacon called detention. There were many theories as to how it got that nickname, short for “justice under God” being most prominent. But in that moment none of that mattered. I had cheated. AND, I had been caught! I was in it. T R O U B L E! In my household, cheating was worse than failure, purportedly. And detention… I felt cold all over, and I was having trouble breathing. I wanted to wake up, a do-over, to plead my case and explain this was all just an innocent misunderstanding.

But there was nothing for it. It was done. Slowly I came to the realization that I was breathing, that time was still flowing in a forward direction, and that the quiz was still going on. I put my pen to the paper and used the work to banish the thoughts of dread. Detention or no, the glance had actually proved quite fruitful. The insight I’d gained, was enough to fill in the space provided with enough detail and verbiage that I could at least avoid looking completely ignorant.

And time continued it forward march. Despite the fact that I’d been killed in the middle of the quiz, they were collected. We went on to our next classes, my friends finding great humor in my demise and sparing no opportunity to inform me of the Trouble-state in which I now found myself.  I slogged through the thick muck of the day, waiting for my heart to realize I’d been killed and so stop, until slowly a light began to dawn. I was not dead! In fact, I had gotten off quite lightly. According to the school rules, cheating was grounds for suspension! AND, I’d probably passed the test because of it. AND, unless Brother Mike took the time to actually call and tell my parents why I had detention that day, no one ever needed to know about the cheating. I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t even really in Trouble. Sure I had detention that day, but I’d done nearly nine days in my freshman year, one day was a joke. I’d won!

Thirty plus years ago, and now it all seems like fun. I can openly tell anyone who cares to read, that, “Yeah, I cheated on a religion quiz. And you know what, that wasn’t the only time.” Most times I got away scot free, sometimes I would get in trouble. Did it go down on my permanent record? Did it wreck my college aspirations? Did it crush my dreams? Pfft! Please… It was high school. The only point is to get through it, which I did, unapologetically doing the least work I possibly could while enjoying the things in life I found truly worthwhile - reading and gaming, in abundance.

On a side note, Brother Mike was later defrocked amid accusations of sexual misconduct involving his students. Sure, he got in Trouble, but it probably should’ve been a lot worse…