Father

Hey Dad,

It’s me. Still slogging along down here, putting one foot in front of the other and so on. A lot has happened. I got married. And divorced. And married again - very happily this time.You’d love Bridgid, my second wife - she’s a lot of fun, really good looking and smart and funny and she sings like an angel. I can’t imagine what she sees in me. 

I have a daughter, Claire. She’ll be 21 this December. I actually have 3 other step kids as well, from my first marriage. Claire is bright and artistic and wonderful. In fact I’m quite proud of all the kids.

Do you remember when you used to lie back in your recliner with me sort of lying back on your lap? You’d cross and uncross your legs really fast and I’d try to keep up. It made me laugh and laugh.

And do you remember coming to take me out of school a few times? You’d take me to check on some of the oil wells, or to the stockbroker’s office to watch the ticker tape. I’m pretty sure you had no idea how important and special those excursions made me feel.

Well, I did get accepted to medical school. I actually got in to several but I chose the University of KY because I could get in-state tuition, even though I had been living in Saudi Arabia for the preceding six years. I graduated with “high distinction.” I wish you could have been there, I know it’s what you always wanted for me.

I think I rebelled and chose to try & play music professionally precisely because you & mom were so eager for me to go to med school. I don’t know why I did that, because deep down I was always so desperate for your attention & approval that I’m surprised I didn’t just get it over with & apply long before I finally did. I remember quitting band and going in to ROTC my sophomore year of high school to try & win your approval for something. As you know I really hated it and went back in to band as a junior. 

Daddy, you were grossly inarticulate as far as being able to talk about feelings and being able to say that you loved me and so on. And I’m ashamed that I took that personally & held it against you for the longest time. I thought you didn’t have much use for me but now with some perspective I can see you just didn’t have the tools to share things like that. Mom told me some of the things you said about me, after your cancer became terminal, that showed me how wrong I was. 

So I’m sorry if I was sort of distant after I was out on my own. I loved you dearly and miss you every day. Please forgive me for being so dense, I just didn’t recognize then what I recognize now.