Raw Vegan Visitors

Sometime in the late 90s I received two very welcome visitors to Guerrero. I was in between jobs at the time so had plenty of free time to hang out. Bobby and Tonya had driven out from Cincinnati. They’d been camping up north in the redwoods and Tonya made me a painting inspired by the redwoods. I found a nice home for it on the wall in my kitchen/living room. The three of us hung out and ate some burritos. We passed a very pleasant 24 hours. Both Bobby and Tonya were living very simple on their journey: camping/staying with friends and eating quite cheaply. Just your normal hippy vegans out on the road.

Besides coming to San Francisco to see me and the city, they were also meeting Tonya’s sister Renee who was flying in from Amsterdam.  She lived with her rich boyfriend and was a “kept woman.” I said Renee is more than welcome to crash at Guerrero too - it’s a very welcoming place for visitors, even unexpected ones. Tonya’s response was a very quiet: “We’ll see . . .”

The sister arrived the next day and Tonya and Bobby went to pick her up. She arrived with a flourish and fancy luggage. I welcomed her to Guerrero and within about 5 minutes she managed to disparage the apartment and my furnishings. Tonya looked pained but I found it funny. She was such an odd creature and such a stark contrast to the mellow and easy going Tonya and Bobby -  I wanted to see more. 

Renee then went to to say how she ONLY ate raw fruits and vegetable and would need a constant supply of those to maintain her health. She also needed some very specific organic face creams and some other sort of cosmetics which she was sure wouldn’t be sold in the backward and unenlightened town of San Francisco. My fascination for her only grew with these pronouncements - she acted like a caricature of a rich lady! I was dying to know more about her life as a “kept woman” in Amsterdam! 

I told Renee that actually San Francisco, and California more generally, was one of the few places you can easily get farm-fresh fruits and vegetables year round. Being located right next to where all these fruits and vegetables are grown definitely has its advantages. Why just one block away was an amazing but tiny grocery store that had a produce section to die for. And if that wouldn’t suit I knew several high-end grocery stores and organic beauty emporiums which would absolutely be able to provide her with the very special creams and ointments required to keep her raw vegan complexion in tip-top shape. I figured with Renee’s special needs, the whole crowd would be staying on for a few days and I was thrilled! I looked forward to blowing the sister’s mind with how much more advanced San Francisco was than chilly old Amsterdam. 

The plan was for the sister to join Tonya and Bobby on their further cross-country adventures - which sort of made my mind boggle. How were they going to be able to keep Renee in vegan raw fruits and vegetables on the road? Tonya and Bobby were eating ramen and cans of soup to save money - never mind the fact that trucks stops and gas stations were not really big on selling raw organic produce. All this is why I figured they’d linger in SF for as long as they could. Maybe stock up on some less perishable produce before taking off? But unbeknownst to me Tonya was mortified by her sister’s arrogant tone with me and decided that they couldn’t stay one day longer. 

The next day when they said they were leaving I was very disappointed. I genuinely was looking forward to spending more time with this strange creature. Raised up from the trailer in Claremont County Ohio to the rarified heights of raw vegan jet-setter in Amsterdam! I wanted to take her to Rainbow Grocery and the crazy hippy/Wiccan cosmetic store in my neighborhood. Yes she was condescending and extremely high maintenance, but meh, I wasn’t working or dating anyone at the time.  I had plenty of time and lots of “anthropological” curiosity! But alas as soon as they arrived they were back on the road again. I wished them a safe journey and couldn’t WAIT to hear how it all went down on the road.

Months later when I was back in Cincinnati I asked Bobby about it. He said: well it was a very unhappy 48 hours or so with her in the car. She mostly laid in the back seat napping and complaining - in between farting out the most disgusting raw vegan gas you ever smelled. We quickly got fed up and dropped her off at the Greyhound station in Tucson. I told him they should have stayed in SF a few more days at least, but he said Tonya was just too embarrassed by her behavior to stay. 

- Drew Oetzel