Church

 Church seems to be more about perceptions and misconceptions. I was baptized and raised Catholic and identify myself as such. While I don't agree with quite a few beliefs of the church, I do believe in  God and Jesus. To me, church is so much more than a building or a place of worship. Church is about the people. It is finding God in other and all places.

One thing that I find stressful, even as an adult, is going to mass. I'm not sure why since once I'm sitting in a pew, I find a sense of peace. For some reason the thought of getting ready and actually going to mass gives me anxiety. Nothing tragic has ever happened during church or while I attended mass, so I cannot explain why I have these emotions.

This carries over into my job. As a Catholic school teacher, I have to take my students to the weekly mass. The priests always want the kids to participate in the liturgy. On these occasions, I feel more like a watchdog. Trying to make sure that everyone is acting accordingly takes away from my own experience.

When I'm not with my students at mass, I do find a serenity sitting there. I will admit that as hard as I try, it is difficult to focus on what is being preached. Often I find myself thinking about life instead. Maybe it is one of the few places I can go and be alone with my thoughts.

A few months ago, I had to go on a one-day retreat for my job. Again, I dreaded going. There were talks given by a priest and in between these, everyone had time to reflect. We could take a walk, go into the chapel, or find a priest for reconciliation. I chose to take walks.

In the afternoon, we sat in the chapel for over an hour for adoration. Adoration is when God is supposed to be physically present in the church. There is prayer and there are some songs, but then there is time to sit quietly and pray.

As I sat there, I asked God to help me decide what I wanted and needed to do with my career and in my life. Signing the Archdiocese's contract was difficult for me. I don't agree with many of the items included. When my good friends, Michele and Leslie, got married and my daughter sang at their wedding, I couldn't post anything on social media because it is against my contract. While I don't use social media to discuss my political views, it annoys me that I can't do it if I want to because someone may think that my more liberal views go against my contract.

As time passed, I realized that I needed to teach one more year because I had made a commitment to a friend to be there for her kids. After that, who knows what will happen. Another realization that came to me was that I needed to start writing again. When I was younger, I always wanted to be a writer and had even written for some newspapers as a free lancer, but I hadn't done it in years. I had lost my courage, but I needed to fight back and just do it.

Probably the most important epiphany I had that day was to embrace life. I have to stop being afraid. I need to say yes to new experiences and not  mentally beat myself up over past experiences. I don't want to have regrets in life.

Even though when I think of my church or finding God, I think of taking a walk in the woods, standing in front of the ocean, or being surrounded by the mountains, I guess sitting quietly in a church can and did have a profound effect on me.