Topic: Camp

Why we don’t camp. 

Jan and I were driving back from a wedding in Tazewell,Tennessee that took place on a houseboat in the middle of a lake in 92° weather.  After 3 hours on the boat the high point of our day included showering in our air conditioned room at the Holiday Inn and ordering a pizza. We imagined that our three hours on that boat probably felt like the torture some people refer to as camping.  Both of us have camped before we knew one another and today for the first time we spent a good hour discussing all the reasons why we hate camping and how it’s so cool to be a grown-up and how we will never go camping again. 

Here is our short and not all inclusive list of why we don’t camp. 

1.    The heat. We have friends who report that they camp in air-conditioned campers. What’s the point? Our condo has great air-conditioning, a ceiling fan, and a small pedestal fan to provide white noise conducive to good sleep. 

2.    Bugs and bug bites. Our camper friends will argue you for the use of citronella candles, Off and bug zappers. Here’s an idea.  Sleep inside where the bugs can’t get you. 

3.    The bathroom situation. Usually camping involves an outhouse. Jan points out that if you really want to feel like you’re camping, you could always take a shit in your backyard. Note: For condo dwellers like us, shitting in the backyard is not a viable alternative.

4.    Food prep is a bitch.  You have to build a fire or take one of those Coleman stoves with the invisible flame where Jan laments that you end up “ burning the shit out of yourself cause you can’t see the flame.  Trying to cook a burger to a safe and palatable “ medium” takes about an hour and a half.  We can have a burger in ten minutes at home. And then you have to schlep a big ass cooler full of ice to keep your mayo and your cheese cold and safe to eat. Our fridge does that, just saying.  And then there’s the fun of washing pots and pans without running water. 

5.    We’re getting old and there is no mattress or bed that is as comfortable as our own.  We had to sleep on an air mattress last month when our air conditioning went out and we fled to the basement where it was cooler.  At our age we feel it for days when we sleep on a non-supportive surface.  And that was just one night! Imagine how long it would take to recover from a week of camping. 

6.    The packing for camping is much more intense than for a business trip or a cruise.  You not only have to figure what you’re going to wear but you’re basically packing up your entire home and everything you need in it and dragging it outside someplace out in the middle of nowhere.  Why?  We just don’t get it. 

We don’t camp.  We won’t  camp.  You can’t make us.